I unfortunately suffer from the innuendo gene. It’s a common condition that seems to affect the older generation more than the young manly males, but you do find some very sad long term sufferers who have been known to show strong symptoms of the gene starting in late teens.
My case is so bad that even seeing the word Innuendo has my brain screaming “No, In your endo!” in a Kenneth Williams type voice.
Recently I was discussing the hiring of a bouncy castle for a charity event with the pretty young wife of a neighbour and she mentioned charging £2.50 a bounce. I nearly burst a blood vessel and finally blurted out ‘You’re worth more than that”. Before I could stop myself. Yes, I have a bad case of the gene.
Innuendo sufferers need help, we haven’t asked for the infliction, we can’t stop our symptoms or the embarrassment we cause. We need your understanding.
So the next time you meet an Innuendo sufferer, don’t roll your eyes at them, they’ll only roll them back to you. Smile and join in. The correct response to a perfectly executed innuendo is a chorus of “Boom Boom !” in a loud Basil Brush style voice or even the classic reply to “No in your endo” of “Oh eh Mrs!”.
Please try and understand the Innuendo gene sufferer doesn’t hear a sentence in normal conversation in the same way you do. They hear a series of words that might have double or treble meanings.
As soon as any of these key phrases or words are used their brains race off at a tangent not listening to the intended meaning while they search for a returning pun or smutty reply. Most men have an element of the Innuendo Gene which is why so many women feel their partners are never listening.
For the sake of a quiet life and an innuendo free conversation certain words need to be avoided. Examples include Moist, Heaving and Bouncy are common problems or any words ending in “bate” But also be ready for the pitfalls of words such as mandate and doorknob. Phrases like “Reaching the bottom” As in reaching the bottom of a list should be avoided. “Getting stuck in” is another classic error often used.
Is there a cure? Well unfortunately no. A diet at a very young age of the radio program “Round the Horne” (a classic innuendo if there was ever one) and the Carry on film series has infected many. And reruns are continuing to exacerbate the situation (that was a bate word!)
Sufferers may find some easing of symptoms if they can keep away from Mother-in-laws, Landladies, Beauty Queens and effeminate people. Carers should be aware of heaving bosoms in their vicinity and try and distract the sufferer from the offending items.
Be alert (Britain needs Lerts! – sorry that one just slipped out – oh dear I said slipped out, I can see a downward spiral here! Stop now!!!!!) life with an Innuendo sufferer can be hard work, be patient, let your sufferer be the doctor (it really is getting out of control now).
So help Innuendo sufferers now, send moist tissues to a local sufferer. Have your stock answers ready (but don’t make a soup with them) and be careful WHAT YOU SAY!
By Brian Russell
Copyright June 2016